The Most Glorious and Magnificent Society of New World Kings and Meglomaniacs

Historians, after going over the documents found in Philodelphia, agree in unision that the continental congress was a ploy to carve up the Americas into a confederacy of kingdoms. The members of congress were all part of an ancient society of control freaks and meglomaniacs whose actual purpose in meeting was to plan their grim take over, to free and arm large numbers of colobus monkeys, and to engage in ale quaffings (today known as beer chuggings)!

Truth of the Day: It is illegal to put squirells down your pants for the purposes of gambling.

The American Revalation

Within the papers discovered in Philadelphia, a shocking document has been found.

It reads as follows:

The High Council has been investigating you, brother-questions are being raised as to your motives. They are content to let you play at your game of presidency but Brother Madison and Brother Handcock are beginning to suspekt [sic]. I implore you, George, do not follow through with your plans to march on the city! The Council is strong and they can bring the entire nation down against you! Wait until the time is ripe and this pathetic republic becomes the empire we plan it to!

Your affectionate brother,

Jefferson Adams

Obviously, George Washington the “hero” planned not become king of the Americas but the emperor. Additionally, historians and political scientists working with Vatican experts on Gnostic groups and cults have been able to decipher from the enigmatic letter that George Washington and possibly all the founding fathers belonged to a secret society bent on a totalitarian empire. The search for more documents to shed light on this mystery continues.

Truth of the Day: Despite the rumors, the Pope has not entered the International Kickboxing Tournament.

The Diary of George Washington: Pat II

History records that George Washington fell ill at his home in Mount Vernon. History records that his doctors tried to save him by blood-letting him. History records that George Washington was accidentally killed by being bled to death.

History is wrong.

From one of the last entries in the diary, George Washington reveals that his death was no accident.

“They have found me out, the curs! They believe me to be too much of a risk and have decided to liquidate me! I canst believe that they would dare to attempt it. I should have listened to Madison! He warned me! Alas, I was not cautios [sic] enough to conceal my designs. I knew that they were watching me and my following. It is a great pity that I will not live to see the Empire I designed. But I have prepared my heirs for the task ahead. I can only pray that they will follow my instructions.”

The Diary of George Washington: Part I

Among the various other documents found in Philadelphia, one stands out in particular. It is the dairy of George Washington.

It appears that the descendants of Washington hid the diary during the Jackson administration, in order to preserve their status as the  grandchildren of a hero and patriot.

The following excerpt shows George Washington was none of these.

“…And now the fools want a republic! Bah! I have the entire continental army at my command and if they [the Continental Congress] dare to go through with it I will swoop down and crush them like bugs! Like bugs, I tell you! [here the writing is blurry, probably from being written while laughing maniacally] …And then I shall be covered with gold and I shall be carried in triumph throughout Philadelphia to Liberty Hall where I shall be crowned king of the new world!”

Truth of the Day: I do not controll the birds. I will someday, but not now.

Free Speech

One of the most cherished freedoms, the freedom of speech, originated, like many laws and amendments of the U.S. Constitution, from people being stupid. The original bill requesting “free speech” from a small political group in eastern Philadelphia was found in a church bell-tower with a myriad of other lost historical documents such as the Emancipation Retraction, the Sale of Florida to the Ottoman Empire, and the Communist Californian Union’s Delcaration of Independence). It reveals that the original request was not for free speech but for free beach(es). At the time, the majority of the Atlantic Oceanside property was either owned by the aaristocracy, shipping companies, or crazed homicidal loners. The request for freedom of beaches was most likely the first bill in which property was taken from the rich and made public. However, somewhere in the bureaucracy of the early Union, the bill was altered (most likely by one with connections to a shipping tycoon or an aristocrat) to be “Freedom of Speech”, resulting in the freedom we have today.

Truth of the Day: Pigs never have, cannot, and never will be able to fly without genetic altering and/or being propelled from either a cannon or middle age siege weapon.

The Riot to Bare Arms

Unknown to most historians and stupid people, the highly controversial right was instigated not in fear of another English invasion but to impose a universal dress code on the nation. In those days it was widely considered highly immodest to show any skin above the hands or bellow the chin (in women). In England this was considered an unwritten law, but in the southern colonies it was becoming ignored. Due to the often extreme heat, it was neither healthy nor comfortable for women to wear long sleeves. This made them highly irritable (more than usual) and caused them to lash out violently at whatever they believed to be the source of their suffering, most often their husbands. The henpecked husbands of the south formed a committee in the summer of 1779 to discuss the problem. They concluded that in areas of more mild temperature, such as the New England states or Europe, women did not needto roll up their sleeves. Faced with the problem of mass migration or constant nagging, the committee decided to submit a bill demanding the right to bare arms. At first Congress was slit over the issue but later concluded that it would keep the general welfare of the South. At this point, the English language had no set definitions for spelling and to this day the right to bare arms is known as the right to bear arms.

Truth of the Day: Heinz Ketchup is 3% gasoline

In Memmorium

 This day marks the twenty-fifth anniversary of the death of WW II fighter pilot Bucky Lorenzo. He will be remembered in history as the only man to remove a fellow pilot’s appendix in combat, fly over the German Province of Dusseldorf when it was being visited by Hitler, and rescue twenty chickens from a burning coop. But what he will most be remembered for is his shooting down twelve German aircraft within an hour*.

May he rest in peace.

Truth of the Day: Everyone on TV is better than you

*Lorenzo will be remembered for this feat because he shot down those German planes in 1951, after the war had ended. Needless to say, the president was very upset.

Historical Moment

The date is July 7, 1776 and the Continental Congress has just signed the Unanimous Declaration of Independence. What happened after this is not known.

And for good reason.

The following scenes in Independence Hall have long since been dismissed as rumor and would still be so had not the recent discover of Thomas Jefferson’s secret diaries been discovered in a cow’s stomach in Kentucky.

 It reveals the following:

“After all the members had signed the declaration stating the reasons that impelled our separation, George Washington clapped his hands twice and his laymen rolled in many barrels of liqor [sic] that he had in readiness. Adams and Hancock engaged in a competition most humorous, both seizing the barrels and hoisting them over their heads in an attempt to determine who could down the most without swooning or choking. Franklin drew a pair of pistols from under his coat and began firing them at the windows. Following his example many others also began to do the same…” Here the page is damaged ”….some setting fire to chairs before throwing them. Washington gave as a most amusing spectacle by thoroughly crushing several empty wine bottles he had hidden about his person. He preformed a dance in which he break these bottles by throwing himself to the floor, spinning, and flailing his arms wildly*. Hamilton had passed out on the couch.”

Though not proven, it is beleived that during this night, the rare version of the constitution (starting the with the words, “We the losers of the United Kingdoms of the New World…”) was drafted.

Truth of the Day: The nerds of the Internet are not geeks.

*It is beleived that this was the origin of break dancing.

On Airplanes and Economy Class

Let us take into consideration Airplanes and Economy Class. (Largely taken from the observations of one Brian Reagan).

After a long and tiring struggle, you find yourself stepping into the airplane. The first thing you notice is the smell of the de-oderants used to remove smell from airplanes. Without being able contemplate this paradox, you stagger down the aile and see seats.

Massive seats.

 Luxurious seats.

 Seats that would put a lazy-boy recliner to shame. And then you remember that these are reserved for your economic and social superiors.

The seats are occupied by the 1st class passengers who have elaborate laptops on the pull-down tables and are busily typing away and smiling smugly at you as if to say, “I’m making money right now!”. Those who aren’t making money spend their time glaring at you as you as if your presence offends them.

You finally make it to the dingy “Economy Class” area reserved for those who aren’t rich enough to afford humane conditions. A smiling stewardess comes up to you and tells you in a strained and cracked voice that you’re seat has been double-booked. You inquire as to whether you will receive a first class seat in compensation. She gasps in horror and shakes her head as if trying to empty it of the blasphemy you have just uttered. She tells you that you may have either a seat with a four-year old with an ear infection or an old man who has been coughing violently ever since he arrived on the plane. You decide to go with the four-year old who patiently tries to pour milk down your shirt the entire twelve-hour journey. In mid-flight a stewardess comes by with a gargantuan metal coffin on wheels that smashes any objects (including feet) that are in the aisle. After passing through the entire Economy Class she goes to serve the 1st Class passengers caviar and champagne. After what seems like an eternity, she rolls the steel sarcophagus back to you and asks you cheerily, “Sewage or bilge?”. (In reality she asks you, “Chicken or Pasta?” but I have translated it as truthfuly as I am able). You decide you aren’t hungry and decide to use the bathroom. You walk up to the bathroom only to be stopped by one of the more muscular stewardesses who informs you that this is the 1st Class bathroom, reserved specialy for the almighty gods who reside in eternal bliss beyond the curtain. (A curtain is drawn across the aisle for the sake of the 1st Class, who don’t like even looking at the Economy Class passengers). You ask where the mortal’s bathroom is and she hands you a super-powered telescope to see the end of the fuselage. You go back to your seat and gather the supplies you will need for the journey- water, food, a compass, and a group of native guides. You would also take a pencil but airport security confinscated it becuase of its potential as a weapon. You find, as you make your way to the sacred bathroom that you are not alone in your quest. Several other bands are also headed for the bathroom. The journey becomes a race, and then the race becomes a bloody brawl when all the groups collide at the destination. After an awful melee, you make it into the bathroom. (The primary difference bathrooms of the Economy Class and the 1st Class is that the Economy bathrooms make telephone booths looke roomy while 1st Class bathrooms have UN representitives). Just as you collapse on the toleit the captain’s freindly and obnoxious voice rings over the deafening PA telling the passengers that turbulence is ahead and that they are required to return to their seats.

While airplanes may be the safest way to travel, there has been an amazing spike of suicides since their creation.

Truth of the Day: George Washington Carver was not the man who cut up George Wahsington. (That was Thomas Jefferson)

Middle Age English Culture

An important yet ignored moment in history is the introduction of forks to England in the 1100s. They where invented in France by order of the king so that he could use them to replace the knives. At this point in time, knives where used instead of forks, shortening the lives of many of the king’s courtiers. One can simply imagine all the things that can go wrong while one is thrusting a chunk of beef into his mouth with a knife.

1) The man may sneeze, which would either kill him or maim him for life.

2) A freind may tell him a joke, causing him to laugh and slash his tongue- killing him and amusing/disgusting everyone else. (A tradition that continues to this day with milk comming out the victim’s nose)

3) He may forget what he was doing from either intoxication or a previously gained blow(s) to the skull and bite down on the knife, cracking several molars.

4) He may be slapped heartily on the back by an intoxicated freind or relative causing him to impale himself.

5) He may, in a drunken rage, pull the knife from his mouth and stab one his fellows, starting a fight.

6) He may become drowsy and fall asleep with the knife still in his mouth. Should his head fall back the knife will fall into his throught, should he fall forward he will be impaled. Either way he is dead.

7) After any of these happens the host of the meal will be left with the unpleasant and difficult job of cleaning up a lot of blood.

 In England, the king, Henry II, had a loyal freind and advisor named Thomas Becket. Becket knew the value of the new French invention and set out to advise the king to begin manufacturing his own. The king, an advocate of tradition, attempted to reason against the creation of forks by claiming that he could simply use his hands. This lead to one of the most, and perhaps only, humorouse dialogue in the Middle Ages.

It was more or less as follows:

Becket: Forks are used to keep the nobles from knifing each other at dinner.

Henry II: Then I shall ban knives and we shall eat with our hands. What has a fork over hands?

Becket: Sire, the forks are washable.

Henry II: But so are the hands!

For obvious reasons, England did not become a major power in Europe until the mid 1600s.

However the slow advance of Middle Age England was not totally due Politicians (as it is today). It is aslo due to commoners who made up the majority of the populace.

Becuase of countless blows to head at a tender age, the average English peasant is tough, enduring, and a totall idiot. His idea of acomplishment is getting drunk on an entire bung (small barrel) of ale. Naturaly, he is married and his wife (who inflicts most of the blows to her spouses head with heavy, blunt objects) is far from pleased with the thought. It is highly likely that her husband will be killed while attempting to chug a whole barrel- the downside of which would be that she would have no one to harvest the crops. The husband is hard pressed to find an excuse for getting drunk so he gathers in a tavern with his equally stolid peers to find an excuse. They come up with the idea of accusing a local intelectual of sorcery and then giving him a trial. Excedingly pleased with themselves, they rush off into the country side and beat up a scholar. They then drap the dazed fellow to the village and hurl him into the pond. Should he float, he is obviously in legue with the devil and the villagers burn him alive, and then have an ale party to celebrate. Should he sink he is innocent and the villagers get drunk to drown their remorse.

 Again this is another major reason the English did not become a superpower untill the 1600s.

Truth of the Day: If you still read these you have no life.